Kabir
Miss you, miss holding you in my arms, going to miss your cuddles, going to miss pampering you, changing your diapers, your cry’s when you would have been hungry or suffered from colic pains. And I would miss reading stories to you. Had a plan for putting you in to a sleep pattern so that you don’t disturb our sleep. Oh I miss you. Miss you grow older, ur tantrums, u being naughty, I had actually told Kausthu that she should reserve a wall to you so that you Scribble on it and we used to fight on it. She used to say I will kick you both out of this house. Miss you teach words, miss to see u take your first walk, ur gibberish talk, your tantrums n u sucking ur hand. Miss you see u rolling over, crawling. I had planned to put you into swimming right when you would turn 6 years old. I would miss your teenage days your bullying issues, dropping you to school and trying to understand what happened in school who your friend were and especially any girls/guys if you had liked or had a crush. Would miss teaching a you how to treat girls, what happens to them every month during their menstruation cycle so you wouldn’t be surprised as I was when my colleague told me she was taking off because of her period pains, how stupid of me. I miss teaching how to use laptops. Probably help u create ur first insta or fb page. Miss being ur friend to whom you could have shared about your first crush, your first kiss and also your heartbreaks- those would have certainly happened. Miss sharing my darkest secrets, my life stories my experiences with you. Would miss celebrating your success and your failures. I would have loved if you never stressed at work as me and just lived your life as per your rules or no rules.
I wasn’t expecting you Kabir I always wanted a baby girl and had named her Siya. Your name was not accidental nor influenced by Bollywood. But blv me most of the hot looking movie hero’s character name is called Kabir. So there is a coolness in your name. Well It might be when I was in school I came across poems from the mystic Indian poet called Kabir and that stuck with me and I always liked that name from then. Why I like girl kids, well I think it’s mainly because of Milu and then Aira they are my babies seen them grow and also my bestie caro, Arpi and then Titha. You missed growing around them. Some of the best people to be with. They would miss you dearly too.
Kausthu was confident it would b a boy as one of her astrologer had told her. She was ok with either a boy or girl but she was certain it was a boy. Whenever we used to check your kicks she used to keep calling kabir playtime what u doing and u used to move. Just to make me happy she would add Kabir Siya wake up playtime. Kausthu is very sorted having plans n executing it, less emotional very practical. She wanted to conceive and I had to given in. This is the first time I see her dejected, her sorted life looking distorted. She is missing you badly as me but she has few words to express than me.
Feb6 the dreadful night I can’t forget. Kausthu kept calling at the usual time Kabir Siya wake up playtime and you dint, she went ahead n ate an chocolate and I charged my phone to play hama hama song on sonos we played it on tv blasted the music very loud but u refused to move . We did see her tummy bulging we thought u did move once and I started telling Kausthu see it’s moving but that’s it n nothing more, no 10 counts. I gulped dinner when playing this music n decided we go over to hospital. I was sure you were moving but u were lazy that night kept lecturing Kausthu she don’t understand the movements. I dint even give my car to valet parking, didn’t wanted to waste that 30 bugs and at night 10pm no cops to toe the car. So stopped at the entrance where only the ambulance could be parked and we walked in with me in my shorts n T and Kausthu in her tracks just with her pregnancy file in her bag and bottle of water.
In the 2nd floor she walked in to get the NST test done basically to stress you and make sure you were not being lazy. You dint budge, the attendant called the duty doctor and neither could find u moving so she asked to get the mini scanner the doc usually uses to check your little heartbeat that used to pace usually at 130-140beats per minute. But that night it was 0bpm, they couldn’t find your heart beating. The duty doc immediately called Dr Shefali and arranged the radiologist to come who used to scan Kausthu tummy as usual. I was waiting out while Kausthu was getting NST done and I was eaves dropping what doc was saying. Kausthu stepped out n said they couldn’t get the heart beat and I was like ok the machine might not have got ur beat, some fault in it probably they missed to charge it or battery is dead and told her Dnt worry let’s wait for radiologist to come.
He came over in 20 min and Kausthu went in to get scan done at around 11 PM and I was out, it felt like hours waiting. The door opened Kausthu stepped out with her eyes filled they couldn’t get the heartbeat and I hugged her dint know what was happening, I was like what was happening we sat next to each other in the big waiting room half lit holding hands. I jumped up and rushed to the scanning room and spoke to doc asking what it means, he was preparing your report he said it might have stopped early and ur not there any more and he is sorry. I was like how could this happen. we had lost you Kabir. You had given up on us and rested inside Kausthu’s tummy. Outside your world our world was falling down. Just the 2 of us holding hands being blank.
Then started the laborious path of pulling you out from Kausthu’s womb. She was put into labour ward and that night I was sitting next to her bed trying to sooth her, both being awake that whole night. Her body was not ready for labour and to push you out they had to induce her to get the labour pain and contractions. It went on for whole of Sunday. and Monday morning on 8th she was having full contractions and ready to push you out She was on epidural at least not to put her thorough one more pain while pushing you out and add to the agony.
You were out into this world at around 11:50AM not breathing with one side of your skin peeling and showing off ur sort of muscular arms and chest and other side the white covered thing, a big forehead well built 2.8kg, full of hair not like me. You were placed on Kausthu tummy and she was crying and I was called in and shown your face and whole of u. I held Kausthu she was crying, me too crying and kissing on her forehead saying it’s Kabir. till then we had no clue it’s you or Siya. it was good to know finally who it was in the 8th month.
Was I sad to see you since I was expecting Siya, not the moment I had seen you and I got to hold you. I took a snap of you and went out to call my bestie and msg ppl I wanted to tell.
Finally We had to leave Kabir, now I had to take care of Kausthu and see she recovers fast. When she was sitting on the wheel chair and I standing next to her you lay on the tray covered up. we were about to move and she asked to see you again. You were held to us and we saw ur face with heavy hearts said bye to you within and moved away and you moved back to the labour room. Two more weeks and if everything was fine we would have held you and walked along. Here it was only two of us, wheeling her out leaving you behind with a heavy heart.
Love you
